


And Five Makes One

by Starlight1395



Series: Requests From You [5]
Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, self hatred, why were they so mean to Dowoon on that episode of Weekly idol??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-09-01 04:55:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16758340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlight1395/pseuds/Starlight1395
Summary: Each member of Day6 have lived through comments that rubbed them the wrong way. It was inevitable, as an idol, that they were going to run into hate.Dowoon learned to block out the comments online, but when the hosts of a variety show break down his defenses with snide remark after snide remark, the youngest member finds himself questioning if he's really what Day6 needs to be successful.After all, who wants a talentless child in their band anyway?





	1. Idols Got Talent

**Author's Note:**

> A request from Ari! Hope you like it :)

“You guys ready?” Sungjin asked with a smile. Their tour had just ended, and even though they were tired, they were excited to do some shows again. This was their first time appearing on the new idol show, Idols Got Talent, and they wanted to make a good impression on the hosts.

All five members had prepared a different talent for the show, though most of these talents were just hobbies they had before hand and decided would work for the show. They worked for a week to get their skills up in time.

“I’m nervous…” Dowoon said softly, playing with a water bottle cap.

“Don’t be nervous,” Wonpil leaned into the maknae’s side. “Your dance is really good! It’s better than anything we could do.”

“As much as it hurts to admit, Pil’s right,” Sungjin snickered. “Your dancing is really improving! Thank to you, JYP is going to expect the rest of us to be able to dance too.”

“Speak for yourself,” Jae grinned from across the small waiting room. “Dowoon and me could hold the danceline for this band no problem.”

“Hyung, do you not remember the disaster you posted on your channel?” Younghyun snickered.

“Look, that was for the views man,” Jae tried to defend himself, causing laughter to bounce off the walls. “I can dance! I swear! No one watches my vlogs for serious Jae. They want goofy Jae...” he pouted, causing the others to laugh.

“Too bad that’s not your talent today.” Wonpil stuck his tongue out at the eldert, who stuck his own out in retaliation.

“Day6?” A staff member stuck her head into the waiting room and got their attention. “Follow me. Your recording slot will start in about fifteen minutes.”

The five followed her out and through the twisting hallways of the recording studio. She told them to wait behind the camera line, telling them the hosts would call them over when the time was right. The hosts were two men the boys had never really seen before. One was a younger rapper and the other was an older producer. Both were successful in their own way, but not really in the idol industry.

“Welcome Day6!” The younger of the two hosts called, waving them over. Sungjin gently pushed his boys to go out first. They rushed over with energy and enthusiasm. Once they settled, the hosts asked them to introduce themselves.

“Hello everybody,” Sungjin started. “I’m Day6’s leader Sungjin.”

“What’s up everyone!” Jae went next, grinning wide. “I’m Jae!”

“I am Wonpil. Let’s have a good show, yeah?” He smiled and tilted his head in the way he knew made himself seem extra cute.

“Hello…. I’m Dowoon.” The drummer smiled and gave the camera a thumbs up.

“I’m Young K! I’m excited to be here.”

“Welcome Day6 to Idols Got Talent,” The older host said. “Since this is your first time on, we’ll explain the rules a little.”

“Each member will showcase a special talent that they have prepared,” The younger continued. “And after the break, the others will do their best to recreate the different talents. We’ll decide who goes first with a game!”

“We’ll play a song, and the first member to mess up the choreography is the first to go! Don’t worry though, we’ll make it easy since we know you aren’t dancers.”

“Speak for yourself!” Sungjin said with a look of mock exasperation. The hosts laughed and Sungjin preened a little.

“The game starts…. Now!”

Gashima started playing loudly, and the five members bolted to their feet. Thankfully, they knew the beginning to the chorus. Just as the chorus was finishing, Wonpil messed up and restarted the choreography.

“Wonpil is the first to show off his talent.” The younger host said with a smile and Wonpil pouted for a second before going to stand in the middle of the filming area.

“Erm, my talent is… being flexible?” He said awkwardly, not really sure how to word it. At the urging of the hosts, he started his little routine.

Wonpil bend down and touched his toes easily. His legs slid apart and he was able to tuck his torso between his thighs, his arms easily wrapping around his leg to hold him down. He put his hands on the ground and slowly lifted his legs so he was in a handstand before slowly lowering them until he was in a bridge position. He twisted his torso so that his chest and face were down while his pelvis and legs were facing up. He grinned when he heard a gasp come from the hosts. He let his body untwist by kicking his legs up and landing on all fours. He kept his hands firmly on the ground as he lifted his left leg straight up and used the momentum of the movement to stand upright. He gave a slight bow and everyone started clapping.

“That was almost scary to watch,” The older host said, looking a little uneasy. “That didn’t… hurt you at all did it?”

“I stretched beforehand, so it was pretty easy for me honestly.” Wonpil smiled innocently.

“Well Wonpil, since you went first you can pick who goes next.” The younger host said, gesturing for the pianist to make a decision.

“Um, I pick Sungjin hyung.” He said after a second of thinking.

“Come on up Sungjin.” The older host said as the leader stood. A staff member rolled out a large whiteboard and handed the idol several markers.

“My talent today is going to be calligraphy.” He said with a grin. The hosts seemed shocked for a second.

“Really?” The younger asked. “That’s… that’s definitely a new one.”

Sungjin just smiled again and started writing. His practiced movements flowed naturally against the board. It was always satisfying to Dowoon and the others to watch their leader write things out. He added flourishes and accents onto the letters that made them look straight from a 15th century book. When he took a step back, everyone could read what he had written.

“Stan Day6, Stan talent.” The older host read with a snicker.

“Hyung, you’ve been on twitter again… haven’t you?” Younghyun whispered to the older boy as he sat down.

“Maybe.” Sungjin didn’t look at the bassist but smiled nonetheless.

“Who do you want to go next?”

“Jae, you’ve been dying to show off.” Sungjin smirked. Jae stood and shot his leader a mock grimace.

“Showing off is what he’s best at!” Younghyun snickered from his seat, causing the hosts and the other members to chuckle.

“I’ll remember that one Brian,” Jae said, his threatening tone only mostly joking. “So my talent is that I taught myself to play Shoot Me backwards.”

“Wait, backwards?” The younger host said, not believing it.

“Yeah, watch this.” Jae took the guitar handed to him by a staff member and started strumming it. A moment later, he started playing Shoot me, from the last note backwards. It sounded eerie, but still somewhat familiar. The members had heard it enough times that they were used to the unsettling sound but the hosts seemed taken back by how haunting the song sounded when played ending first.

Jae didn’t look up from his guitar once, his concentration aimed completely at his fingers as they played the tune he forced himself to become familiar with. When he plucked the last note, he looked up with a grin.

“That was certainly a new one.” The older host said, sounding a little uncomfortable.

“Who do you pick to go next?”

“Dowoonie!” Jae turned to the maknae and winked. “Your turn kiddo.”

Dowoon stood, nervous. Sure, he had gotten advice and help from the members of Stray Kids. He had even sat in on some of their dance practices and learned their choreography just to help improve his own dancing, and he still owed Minho ice cream for helping him with the choreo of his own dance.

“My talent is…. Um, dancing,” He said quietly. “I created a dance to Be Lazy.”

He moved to the center of the room and stood with his back to the camera, waiting for the music to start. As soon as the familiar chords played, he threw himself into the dance. Even though they didn’t dance, Dowoon found he loved it. It was so much more fun than plain exercise and it challenged him in ways he was never challenged before. He found himself grinning as he moved, putting as much energy and flare into it as possible. This was the first time anyone but his members and the Stray Kids boys would see him dance and he wanted to show that he was more than just a drummer.

Dowoon was a musician, a singer, and a dancer. He was the whole package.

The music stopped and Dowoon ended his dance, panting and sweating but grinning. His friends started clapping, but the hosts were just exchanging looks.

“No wonder he’s always behind the drum set.” The older host joked. Dowoon felt his stomach drop.

“It was a good effort, but there’s a reason Day6 doesn’t dance, amiright?” The younger host said with a chuckle, trying to prompt the others to laugh as well. The staff laughed along, but none of the guests smiled.

Dowoon moved silently to sit in his seat, the host’s words buzzing through his head. Younghyun was the last to go, so he stood and took his place. His talent was magic - much to the teasing of Jae and the wonder of Wonpil. Dowoon could barely pay attention to his hyung, too focused on trying to figure out what he did wrong.

He felt as though that performance was the best he had done. Sure, he messed up a step or two, but Minho and Chan told him that as long as he didn’t let anyone know he messed up, no one would know.

“Impressive! Any chance you’ll share your secrets?” The younger host smiled at Younghyun, who shook his head.

“A magician never reveals his tricks,” He said, wagging his finger. “That would take the magic away.”

“Alright!’ The younger host said, clapping his hands together. “That completes the first part of our show! After the break, we’ll see if the members of Day6 can keep up with each other’s talents!.”

The cameras cut and the staff came over with water for the boys, who thanked them and quickly drained the bottles. Dowoon stared at his hands, not really wanting to do the rest of the show. He had been so excited, but all of his fire had been extinguished.

“Hey Dowoonie,” Jae said, changing seats with Wonpil to talk to the youngest. “Is everything alright?”

“Of course hyung,” He said instantly, not looking at him. “Just tired from the dance.”

“You know what they said isn’t true, right?”

“Yeah…” Dowoon trailed off, not able to lie to Jae.

“Seriously Dowoon,” Jae said, his tone clear he wasn’t playing. “You worked so hard, and it looked really, really good. Just because they’re being assholes, doesn’t mean what they’re saying is true.”

“You really think so?” Dowoon said with a sour smile.

“I’d like to see them try your dance,” Jae frowned. “I bet they wouldn’t even be able to do the first ten seconds. You’re amazing. Don’t let them make you think otherwise, okay?”

“Thanks hyung.” Dowoon smiled genuinely and Jae patted him on the back.

“Alright, thirty seconds!” One of the staff behind the cameras called. Jae smiled at Dowoon one last time before sliding back into his own seat again. The hosts came back on set and got into position.

“Welcome back to Idols Got Talent!”

“In this round, our guests will try to do the others talents! If someone can do that talent better than the person who showed it, they’ll win a prize!”

“Since Wonpil went first, he can be the first to pick a name from the bowl.” The younger host walked over with a bowl that had little paper scraps. Wonpil reached in and pulled a name, unfolding the paper and groaning when he saw who he got.

“Jae hyung…” he said with a grimace.

“Godspeed Pillie,” Jae grinned. “You’re gonna need it.

“Young K.” Sungjin said in shock, before his face morphed into a grin.

“Oh god, not this again.” Jae whispered, earning a smack on the back of the head. The blond grinned and picked his paper.

“Wonpil…” His grin turned into a grimace as the other members burst into laughter. Jae was tall and lanky, and had the flexibility of uncooked spaghetti most days. Dowoon snickered as he reached into the bowl.

“Sungjin hyung.” He wasn’t mad, honestly. Sure, he couldn’t do it as fancy as the leader but Dowoon’s handwriting was pretty nice. Younghyun pulled last, already knowing what he would have to do.

“Dowoon…” He said, raising an eyebrow.

“Ah, that shouldn’t be too hard for Young K,” The older host laughed. “Maybe he’ll win the prize!”

“Shouldn’t be too hard for anyone, really.” The younger host laughed. Dowoon felt his ears turn red. Sungjin scowled. Jae shook his head. Wonpil took Dowoon’s hand. Younghyun spoke up.

“Why shouldn’t it be hard?” he asked, catching the hosts off guard.

“W-well-”

“Dowoon did a very complicated dance that he had been working on for weeks. Why should it be easy for me?” He stared the hosts in the eye, one at a time. “Why shouldn’t that be hard?”

“Why don’t we start?” The older host said, his voice wavering a little. A staff member handed Wonpil the guitar and the pianist stared at it like it was something he had never seen before in his life.

He strummed a few chords as he hummed Shoot me under his breath. He tried to remember what it sounded like when Jae was practicing, but when he was the one playing he realized how impossible it was.

Wonpil managed to struggle through the chorus, the song sounding nothing like what Jae played before but enough like the original song that they were able to guess. He ended the song with a few random notes as a flourish and the hosts clapped.

“Not bad! Maybe with enough practice you could do better than Jae, huh?” The younger host laughed as Wonpil handed the guitar back.

“I don’t think so,” He said awkwardly. “I’m pretty comfortable with the keys. I’ll leave that mess to Jae hyung and Sungjin hyung.”

“Looks like Wonpil won’t be winning the prize today,” The older host said with a fake pout, causing the other host to laugh. Dowoon bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from scowling. He was not a fan of these hosts at all. “Next is Sungjin, trying to complete Young K’s talent.”

Sungjin stood and went to the middle, making a face that read ‘I have no idea what I’m doing oh dear god what’s going on’ and stood in front of the camera. He looked back at Younghyun, who grinned and gave his leader a thumbs up. Sungjin turned back to the camera and made the bread face that Jae teased him so often about.

He panicked and did the old party trick where it looked like he took off his thumb, but played it up as if he had done some amazing feat of magic. The hosts chuckled at his enthusiasm. He held a finger up, as if he was a mime telling everyone to wait. He went back and picked up his empty water bottle before going back to place and showing it off.

Without blinking he clapped at the same time as he threw the bottle behind him and opened his hands as if he had made the bottle dissapear.

The staff and hosts clapped as they laughed and Sungjin gave a large bow before returning to his seat. It wasn’t until he sat down that everyone noticed how red his ears were.

“That was… certainly something else,” The older host said. “You have quite the flair for performance, huh?”

“I would hope so,” Sungjin said, eyebrows raised in mock shock. “Seeing how it’s what I do for a living.”

“Jae, you’re up next with Wonpil’s talent.” The younger host cut in with an odd look on his face. Jae hesitated before standing.

Dowoon watched the hosts as Jae got into place. He didn’t like the way they kept laughing at them. Sure, Day6 was known for being a little silly on shows like this, but it wasn’t like they weren’t trying at all. He knew how much time and effort his hyungs had put into getting their talents together the moment they heard they were going to be guests on the show. They deserved a little respect, especially from hosts who knew nothing about being an idol in the industry.

Jae started by reaching down and touching his toes. Dowoon and the others oohed and aahed as if it was the most impressive thing in the world. They could see Jae’s shoulders shaking from laughter as he straightened back up. He grinned and the camera and nodded before slowly sinking into a split. He made it a little more than halfway before he froze.

“Could I- could I get some assistance?” he called, sounding strained. Sungjin, who was sitting on the end, jumped to his feet and helped Jae stand properly. The leader paused, gave another big bow and sat back down.

Jae’s final trick was taking his foot and trying to do a scorpion, but only succeeded in lifting his leg about waist high before giving up and letting go with a huff. He copied Sungjin’s over the top bow and sat back down.

“You okay hyung?” Dowoon whispered across Wonpil. He had seen the pained look that flashed across Jae’s face as he went into the split.

“I’m good Woonie, don’t worry.” Jae whispered back with a small smile.

“Dowoon is next with Sungjin’s talent,” The older host said loudly. “This should be interesting.” The two hosts laughed, but the five guests tensed. Dowoon stood and walked over to the whiteboard. Sungjin’s calligraphy was still there, which Dowoon was thankful for. At least he could copy some of the letters.

He knew he didn’t have eight years, so he got to work. He copied the way Sungjin had written ‘Day6’ almost exactly, if not a sloppy and rushed edition of it. He took the T from ‘talent’ and turned it into an L, took the a from ‘stan’ and turned it into an o. He flubbed the v and stole the design of the e.

Dowoon hesitated before continuing. He winged it on the M, and copied the rest from the previous drawings. When he stepped away, there was a fairly decent calligraphy next to Sungjin’s, and even his members were shocked at how good it was, seeing how the youngest had never really tried calligraphy before.

“Day6 loves Mydays,” The younger host read. “Very cute. Mydays are your fans, right?”

“How can you read that?” The older host joked, nudging the younger in the side. “It’s barely legible!”

“He did a really good job,” Sungjin said, sounding tense. “He’s never tried it before, so that’s pretty damn good for a first try.”

“Hyung, watch what you say.” Wonpil whispered, looking at the ground. Dowoon glanced over and saw his leader’s hands gripping at the fabric of his pants despite the blank look on his face. Sungjin was angry.

“Alright….” The younger host’s smile looked strained. “Young K, you’re the last one to go. You’re going to try to recreate Dowoon’s dance.”

Younghyun nodded and stood, shooting Dowoon a smile before getting into place. The familiar start to Be Lazy started, and Younghyun had watched Dowoon enough to know the first part of the choreography. He managed to stumble through the first thirty seconds then froze. He only hesitated for a second before freestyling the rest of the dance, sending his members into waves of laughter. He wasn’t a bad dance - not by a long shot - but free styling was a no-go for the bassist. He had maybe three fall back dances that he always relied on, one being the dumb math dances that always haunted him, and the other two being the stupid meme dances that Felix always did in the practice rooms when they’re messing around.

“That’s enough!” The older host said with a laugh, cutting the music off early. “Here we thought you’d win the prize but it seems no one was able to beat their partner’s talent this time!”

“That’s all the time we have for today! Thank you to our guests of the day, Day6! Until next time!”

The cameras shut down as the fake applause ended abruptly. The two hosts practically bolted from the set towards their dressing rooms, leaving the band’s manager to come up and collect them.

“Good job you guys,” he said with a smile. “Sungjin, how many times do we have to talk about cursing on air?”

“They were talking about Dowoon like he was a child,” Sungjin said, not at all ashamed for slipping up on live television. “I wasn’t going to sit back and let them go at it like that.”

“I know you were just defending him, but you still have an image to maintain.”

“You know,” Jae said easily, leaning on Younghyun. “A lot of fans like it when idols curse. They think it’s cute.”

“They think it’s cute…?” Their manager didn’t seem to believe Jae, which was ironic seeing how out of all of them, the eldest member had the most contact with stan twitter and the fans. “Whatever… you have time to get dinner if you want, or you can go back and rest up. Tomorrow you’re recording the rough copy of your next title track, okay?”

“Yes hyung.” A chorus of only slightly sarcastic responses called back and the older man grinned.

“You guys are too much sometimes.” he shook his head as he walked away, leaving the boys to decide what they wanted to do.

“I say we go to dinner.” Jae announced, looking far too pleased with himself than what was safe.

“What did you do?” Wonpil asked, his voice deadpan.

“What is with you Pillie? Can’t trust your hyung?” Jae feigned hurt, but after a solid ten seconds of Wonpil’s unamused look, Jae caved and grinned. “I may or may not have bribed the manager’s credit card away from him for the evening.”

“Hyung!” Yonghyun and Wonpil said at the same time, the former sounding excited and the latter disappointed.

“He owed me a favor, and now I’m treating my boys to some barbecue.” Jae’s laid back grin widened.

He loved his members more than anything. Sure, he picked on them, but that’s how he showed affection. That’s how he always showed affection, even growing up. It caused some problems at first, because the younger members genuinely though he was mocking them, but they quickly realized it was Jae’s brand of love.

“Lead the way then!” Sungjin was good like that. He knew when to push his leader card on the members, and he also knew when to take a step back and let everyone enjoy themselves, and since they weren’t dancers, a big dinner wouldn’t set them back.

Dowoon smiled as they filed out of the building and into the van. Sungjin got behind the wheel and started up the car. Jae called the front seat, mainly to give directions to his favorite barbecue place, but also to play obnoxious music all the way there. Dowoon had crawled into the back, letting Wonpil and Younghyun sit in the middle.

“Are you sure Woonie?” Wonpil asked, looking back. Their youngest didn’t normally care where he sat, but at the same time Yonghyun usually called the back so he could nap.

“It’s alright,” he grinned and he saw Wonpil relax instantly. “I’ll close my eyes until we get there.”

Dowoon did just that, but he wasn’t able to fall asleep the way Younghyun was so apt at doing. He felt every bounce and dip the van did, all the while the words of the hosts were replaying in his mind.

He didn’t understand. He had worked so hard on his dance, but they just made fun of him. Was he that untalented? So untalented that even when he did his best, it was pathetic enough to laugh at? He was proud of his challenge too. He wanted to take a picture of the note he had written in the fancy letters, maybe to post online or maybe just to keep on his phone, but the staff had cleaned the board the second the episode ended.

He wasn’t good at that either, it seemed. Even though he only had less than ten minutes to do it, and he had never even attempted it before, it still wasn’t good enough. Why wasn’t he good enough?

Memories of comments in the past came flooding back and Dowoon felt his eyes sting despite being closed shut. Comments about how he shouldn’t sing, how he should give up on his vocal lessons. Hate filled comments calling him slow and stupid and retarded because his English wasn’t great and because he didn’t talk a whole lot on variety shows. Comments saying how the band would have been better off if Junhyeok had stayed and Dowoon had left.

Where they right after all? Was the band better off without him?

“Wake up Dowoonie, we’re here.” Jae’s voice broke through Dowoon’s thoughts. He opened his eyes and frowned.

Even though it had only been a twenty minute car ride, the maknae’s appetite had completely vanished.


	2. Chapter 2

“Aren’t you going to eat?” Wonpil asked, noticing the maknae had barely touched his plate. Jae and Younghyun were focused on grilling the meat, while Sungjin was asking one of the workers something. Dowoon looked up quickly, realizing Pil’s eyes were trained on him.

“Yeah, I’m just tired.” he said, picking up his chopsticks and taking a bite. The meat was delicious, but Dowoon didn’t have much of an appetite.

“Well, eat up and we can go back to the dorms,” Wonpil said with a smile. He placed a hand over the younger boy’s. “And Woonie, don’t think too hard about what those assholes said, okay? They had no idea what they were talking about and don’t deserve a second thought.”

“Alright hyung,” Dowoon said, not looking at him. He waited until Wonpil moved his hand before taking another bite.

Across the table, Jae glanced at the maknae with a frown.

“He’s overthinking.” Younghyun said quietly, and Jae nodded.

“I wish I could have said something more to those asshole hosts,” The sharpness of Jae’s voice was hidden by the sizzle of the meat on the grill. “Dowoon’s been working harder than any of us.”

“I know, but if we said anything, we would have gotten in trouble.” Sungjin chimed in.

“We have to make sure he knows that he’s loved.” Younghun said, watching Dowoon pick at his meal.

“Dowoon, do you want anymore?” Jae asked, hoping to get a verbal response, only to have the younger boy shake his head without looking up.

“Leave him be for now,” Sungjin said, looking sadly at the maknae. “We’ll talk to him tomorrow.”

Dowoon didn’t notice his hyungs talking about him. His eyes were glued to his plate, trying to work up some sort of appetite, even if it was just so they didn’t worry about him.

He felt awful when his hyungs worried over him. It made him feel like a burden. All he wanted to do was make them happy and proud, but he seemed to just be bringing them down more and more often.

“Come on Dowoonie, let’s head back,” Jae said, placing a hand on Dowoon’s arm. The younger boy was startled by the touch and looked over at his hyung with wide eyes. “It’s getting late.”

“Yeah… okay.” He said, standing and leaving his almost untouched plate behind. They filed into the car, Dowoon taking the back seat again. Younghyun and Wonpil exchanged looks but didn’t say anything. If their maknae needed space, they weren’t going to force him to sit up front.

Dowoon let his eyes drift shut, his thoughts finally shutting off as he faded into a restless sleep. His head leaned against the window, his breath fogging up the glass.

“We have to make sure it doesn’t get bad again.” Jae whispered, just loud enough for the others to hear him.

“How though?” Wonpil sounded small. “We couldn’t do anything last time.”

“We…” Jae’s face dropped. His eyebrows scrunched together in the tell tale sign that he was on the verge of tears.

“We’ll think of something in the morning,” Sungjin cut in. “Right now, we’re all exhausted and emotional.”

“Sungjin’s right.” Jae sighed, letting his head fall back against the headrest. Sungjin raised an eyebrow at the lack of nicknames but let it slide. Jae had already closed his eyes and let the rock of the van lull him to sleep.

When they got back to the dorm, Sungjin coaxed him out of the backseat and carried him in, trying to walk as smoothly as possible to keep him asleep but failing miserably.

“Hyung…” Dowoon slurred as Sungjin fumbled with the keys.

“It’s alright Woonie, go back to sleep.” He whispered as he finally got the door open. Dowoon rested his head on Sungjin’s shoulder again, sleep threatening to take over again.

He was carried to his room and gently placed on his bed, still in his clothes.

He wanted to get up and change, brush his teeth, maybe shower, but his bed was so soft that his eyes couldn’t seem to stay open. The last thing he remembered before drifting off was Sungjin whispering something and something soft being pressed gently against his forehead.

* * *

  
_“Dowoon, what are you doing?” Jae asked, trying to keep his voice from trembling. The maknae didn’t look up at him. “Come on man, this isn’t funny.”_

_Jae placed a hand on the other boy’s shoulder and tried to shake him, but Dowoon didn’t respond. The drummer’s head fell to the side, and Jae could see his open eyes staring out at nothing._

_“It got bad again…” Dowoon said, without moving his mouth._

_“I’m sorry Dowoonie, hyung is here-”_

_“Too late.” Dowoon was gone. Jae looked around frantically, needing to find the younger boy, but he was gone._

_“Dowoon?” Jae called, running from the room. The dorm looked different, but it didn’t. He ran to the kitchen. Younghyun and Wonpil were at the table, and Sungjin was digging through the fridge. Normal. “Dowoon’s gone I don’t know where he went-”_

_“Who?” Younghyun cut him off with a frown._

_“D-dowoon…”_

_“If this is another prank hyung, I think you missed the punchline.” Wonpil shook his head and went back to his phone._

_“NO,” Jae yelled. “Dowoon! Our baby is missing! We have to- have to find him!”_

_“Jae, you’re not making any sense,” Sungjin looked at him with disappointed eyes. “No one is missing.”_

_“Dowoon-”_

_“Who’s Dowoon?” Wonpil asked innocently, tilting his head to the side._

_“You can’t be serious…” Jae stared at his friend in shock._

_“I’m a little lost here…” Younghyun trailed off, looking between his two hyungs._

_“Younghyun, please say sike.” Jae felt tears pricking at his eyes. Younghyun froze._

_“You never call me Younghyun…”_

_“Jae!”_

_“JAE!”_

“Jae hyung, wake up!”

Jae sat up so quickly that he slammed his forehead against the person standing over him. Both boys yelped in pain, Jae falling back onto his pillow and the other person stumbling back. Once the stars cleared from Jae’s vision, he was able to make out the blurry outline of his maknae, rubbing his forehead with a whimper.

“Dowoon?” he asked, his voice rough from sleep.

“Hyung, what the hell?” Dowoon groaned, his hand over what was definitely going to become a bruise.

“Oh thank god.” Jae jumped up, despite how the room seemed to spin, and threw his arms around Dowoon’s neck. The drummer was shocked but returned the hug after a moment of hesitation.

“Good morning to you too?” he said more as a question than a statement.

“I just… had a bad dream.” Jae muttered into Dowoon’s neck. The younger boy smiled and relaxed, holding his hyung a little tighter.

“You wanna talk about it?” he asked, knowing Jae wasn’t normally the type to talk about things that bother him.

“Nah, it’s okay now,” Jae said, slowly pulling away from the embrace. “I barely remember what I was about anymore.”

Dowoon smiled at Jae, but felt a nagging feeling in the back of his head. The way Jae looked at him reminded Dowoon of what happened before, and he realized with a sinking feeling that it was happening again. So many years have passed, and yet Dowoon was still the same person, crying over the same things. His members have grown so much since debut, and yet he managed to stay exactly the same. How will they ever succeed if he keeps holding them back, time and time again?

“-woon? Are you alright?” Jae broke him from his thoughts.

“Yeah, just didn’t sleep well.” He said truthfully, trying to brush aside the worried look the older boy was giving him.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m fine hyung, don’t worry,” Dowoon felt his chest clench at the lie. “It’s… it’s not like last time. You guys don’t have to worry about that anymore.”

“Dowoon, it’s okay if things are getting bad again. Everyone has their ups and downs, and you’re not any less of a man for it. Just… if you need us, don’t try to hold out on your own, okay?” Jae didn’t try to physically stop Dowoon, but his words were enough to make the younger boy freeze. Did he know? “We love you man. We wouldn’t be the same without you… let us take care of you, if you need us to.”

“I will hyung,” the lie tasted like ash in his mouth. “I know you guys care about me. If it gets bad again, I’ll come find you.”

“That’s my Dowoonie,” Jae grinned and Dowoon, and the drummer made the decision to keep that smile on his hyung’s face. No matter the cost. “Come on, let’s get some breakfast. You didn’t eat a whole lot last night so you must be starving.”

“Alright.” He wasn’t hungry, actually, but if it made Jae happy he would eat. He would do anything to keep them happy.

* * *

  
Dowoon stared at his phone apathetically. He knew what he was doing was bad, but he craved the sharp pain in his chest anytime he read a negative comment about himself. It was a sick cycle he promised his hyungs he would never fall back into, yet there he was at two in the morning, going through Dowoon anti twitters to fulfill a sick craving he thought he had gotten rid of.

_‘Did you hear him singing? It sounded like a tone deaf seal!’_

_‘No wonder they keep him behind the drum set lmao they’re doing the rest of us a favor.’_

_‘He really doesn’t add anything to the band… anyone can play drums but his personality is so bland.’_

_‘Apparently he tried to kill himself before haha’_

It was the ‘haha’ that really got to him. JYP never put out an official statement regarding him. They used Junhyeok’s leaving to cover the fact that Dowoon went missing for almost two weeks. How these people found out what happened, he didn’t know, but it hurt nonetheless. Maybe they were right…

Dowoon locked his phone and slipped it into his pocket. He slipped from the dorm easily - his hyungs slept like the dead - and went to the roof, where he knew he would be alone.

The city was beautiful at night. The lights glowed against the dark backdrop of the sky, pulsing with life that could never be replicated during the day. Dowoon always took solace in the coldness of the lights - no matter how colorful they were, they had an air of solitude to them. High up, no matter who saw them, they were alone. Just like him.

He leaned against the railing and looked down. The eleven story drop didn’t frighten him anymore. It had, once, when he was a new trainee. He had looked down and felt dizzy at how small everything looked from way up there. Now, it was yet another thing that brought him comfort. The sight of the safety nets around the roof brought less comfort, knowing he was the reason they were there.

No one explicitly said he was the reason. They said it was just a precaution for anyone who might be feeling suicidal. Something to save lives, they said with an air of casualty.

But it had appeared in the time that Dowoon had been in the hospital, and no one would look him in the eye when he asked about them.

It’s fine, he thought to himself. Even if he were to try and kill himself again, jumping is low on his list of ways to go.

He hated that he was feeling this way again, but he felt as though there was no way to stop the slippery descent into depression.

There never was.

Dowoon felt like his body weighed a ton. He stared out at the city, wondering if the lights ever realized how unattainable they really were. How lucky they were to be isolated the way they were, where no one could touch them. Way up high, where no vile words could reach their ears.

He knew he wasn’t going to be able to go back to sleep. It had been almost a week since the show - almost a week since he was able to get more than a few hours of restless sleep per night. He was thankful that he was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. He wouldn’t have to go back to the dorm to change.

The JYP gym was empty, no surprise. Who in their right mind would be awake and wanting to work out at two in the morning? Dowoon didn’t count, because he certainly wasn’t in his right mind.

He pulled out his phone, noticing his battery was already halfway down. He made a face but didn’t try to find the spare charger that was always floating around the weight room. He threw on some loud, angry music and started taping up his hands. He had learned to box from his uncle, when he was much younger. Since then, it had been one of the few healthy coping mechanism he had.

The poor punching bag didn’t stand a chance. Dowoon threw punch after punch until he could feel the bruises on his knuckles forming, but he didn’t stop. Just as he was running out of steam, he pictured the damn host from the show and wound back his arm. The hit landed perfectly, and the bag flew off the hook it was on, landing on the floor with a loud thump. Dowoon stared at the still swinging chain hanging from the ceiling and panted hard, trying to regain his breath.

He hadn’t realized his phone had died until the silence started suffocating him. He grabbed the device and headed back to the dorm, not bothering to unwrap his hands or fix the punching bag. He hoped faintly that it was still early enough that everyone would be asleep, but as he walked past the windows he could see how high the sun was already in the sky. He was screwed. He opened the door and immediately shoved his hands in his pockets as he closed the door with his foot

“What if something happened to him-?” Wonpil’s voice cracked as he yelled across the dorm. Even before Dowoon could see the pianist, he knew his friend was crying.

“Pillie, take a deep breath. He’s fine. He probably just didn’t charge his phone again-”

“But what if-?”

“He’s. Fine.” Sungjin left no room for arguments. Dowoon could hear a whimper, which he assumed was from Wonpil. His stomach flipped. He was causing trouble again.

“Shit!” Jae said loudly when he looked around the corner and saw the maknae trying to sneak past.

“Morning…” He mumbled as he tried to slip past.

“Where the fuck have you been?” Wonpil said angrily, wiping the tears running down his face. He went over and smacked Dowoon’s chest, but there was no real fire behind it.

“You scared the shit out of me! I wake up and you’re gone? What if something happened, huh? You’re phone is dead and no one can get a hold of you! What if you had gotten h-hurt? Or…” he trailed off, ignoring the fresh tears making tracks down his face.

“I’m sorry,” He said, his voice rough. “I didn’t mean to lose track of time.”

“Where did you go?” Sungjin asked, trying not to sound angry. He wasn’t angry at Dowoon, but rather at himself for letting things get bad again.

“I went to the roof for a little while,” He said truthfully. He didn’t miss how everyone froze. “Watching the lights calms me down… um, then I went to the gym for a little bit. I didn’t realize my phone died, and I came back when I noticed…”

“Let me see your hands.” Younghyun said, thankfully sounding calm. If Younghyun had gotten mad at him too, Dowoon didn’t know if he would be able to keep his composure. Younghyun was the one hyung whose disappointment hurt the most.

“Ah, it’s fine.” Dowoon said, trying to back away.

“Please, Dowoon-ah?” Younghyun looked at Dowoon with large eyes and the younger boy felt hands on his wrist. He let his hyung pull his hands from his pockets and watched with lifeless eyes as the bassist began unwrapping his knuckles.

There was a collective gasp when they saw the purple splotches spreading across his skin. Dowoon looked at his own hands without feeling much of anything. Maybe he didn’t punch hard enough.

“Again?” Jae whispered, his eyes painfully glassy. Wonpil moved and got an ice pack from the freezer without saying anything. He handed it to Younghyun, who held it over his knuckles. Dowoon hissed as the icy cold on his skin, but it instantly cut down the burning from the growing bruises.

“I’m going to take a shower.” Dowoon said after a few minutes of silence. Everyone jumped to their feet as he stood. Dowoon just looked at them and placed the melting ice pack on the table. He didn’t look back as he walked out of the kitchen. He didn’t notice the distressed looks shared between his members as he locked himself in the bathroom.

He turned the hot water all the way on, knowing the pain from the scalding shower would clear his mind. It always did before. He stripped and stepped into the stall, biting back a yelp as the boiling water hit his already flushed skin. He could feel his lip split from how hard his teeth were digging into it, but it just added fuel to the fire.

After a while - he couldn’t tell if the hot water had started to run out or if his body just started getting used to the heat - the water stopped burning. He took it as a sign to turn off the faucet and step out. The mirror was fogged over, and the second Dowoon wiped it it fogged back up again. As he dried his body, he could see how red his skin had gotten. A sick part of him liked how his limbs seemed to be burnt from the shower.

It was a type of pain that he could control. He could focus better now.

Dowoon wrapped the towel around his waist and walked out of the bathroom, ignoring the wall of steam that followed him out. The other four jumped out of their seats, where they were obviously trying to seem casual but failed miserably. Dowoon only glanced at them before closing the door to his room. He didn’t mean to slam it.

Despite bruising his knuckles and burning his skin, there was still a weight on his chest. He remembered what he did before, and it scared him that he was thinking about it again after all the time that had passed.

Dowoon felt broken again, and this time he refused to bring his hyungs down with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's stupid but I'm really proud of the roof scene haha I've been having trouble articulating my feelings recently, which as a writer is a little freaky, so being able to get that out and have it make sense makes me feel a little better. 
> 
> I'm planning for the next chapter to be the last, but anyone who's read my other stuff knows I'm all talk XD if the next one genuinely ends up being the last it'll be a miracle!


	3. Chapter 3

Two weeks.

That’s long Dowoon managed to last before he found himself in line at the convenience store, hands shaking. Part of his mind screamed at him to put the packages back - that he didn’t need them anymore. He was getting better, remember?

Another part of him whispered sweet words to him, reminding him of all the sacrifices his hyungs have made for him. Promising him an easy way to keep his friends happy.

Dowoon just wanted to keep them happy.

It was his turn. He started placing the items on the counter, biting his lip under his facemask. He was worried that the cashier might connect the dots, but the bored look on his face told Dowoon that the pack or razor blades, medical tape and gauze pads meant nothing to the poor, overworked boy.

He thanked the boy and rushed out, hating himself for even buying the things he dreaded and craved the most.

Dowoon snuck back into the dorms, but no one noticed. He had only been gone for fifteen minutes, and the others were so focused on what they were doing that they didn’t move a single muscle in that time. Sungjin was typing away at his computer, Wonpil was talking to someone on the phone, Younghyun was supposed to be putting away his laundry but fell asleep halfway through - his partially folded clothing around him as his face rested on the still warm mass - and Jae was messing around with his guitar and a music notebook - jotting down notes and lyrics here and there

The youngest slipped into the bathroom, where he finally let himself breathe. He opened the pack of razors, taking a single one out and hiding it within the folds of his towel.

Each member had their own, Dowoon’s being grey while Sungjin’s was green, Jae’s was blue, Younghyun’s was purple and Wonpil’s was yellow - to keep them from getting mixed up. Dowoon knew no one would find it if it was hidden within the grey fabric. He took a few of the gauze pads and the tape and snuck them into the rarely used first aid kit in the back of the cabinet. There was two kits - one that was used almost daily due to how clumsy the boys were, and another that everyone usually forgot about.

He hid the rest of the razors and the gauze pads in the pocket of his hoodie as he went to his room to stash them. No one would find them.

Even though he didn’t do anything, knowing he had the option open to him caused the weight on Dowoon’s chest to lighten a little. He smiled to himself as he felt the familiar sting in his throat. He hadn’t felt that in years, and as much as he was afraid of it, it was comforting in a way.

As awful as things had been then, at least they were familiar. They were routine. In a sense - to Dowoon - they were safer.

* * *

  
“Dowoon-ah, we’re not going to be able to use that verse you wrote,” Sungjin said sadly. He knew the maknae had worked hard, but the song just didn’t fit the chunk the drummer had written. “It’s a good part, but it just doesn’t work-”

“It’s alright hyung,” Dowoon said, not looking up from his phone. He had seen this coming. He knew it wasn’t good enough. He didn’t know why he bothered even trying. They never used any of the parts he writes. They’re either too soft, or too intense, or just don’t fit the vibe of the album. Dowoon didn’t know why he even bothered anymore.

Nothing he did was any good. “It wasn’t that good anyway.”

“Huh? What do you mean? It was amazing, it just…” Sungjin trailed off as Dowoon put his headphones back in, blocking out anything else the leader would have tried to say.

Sungjin bit his lip and walked away, worry blooming in the pit of his stomach.

“How did he take it?” Jae asked, noticing how the younger boy’s eyebrows were furrowed and his bottom lip was red from being gnawed on.

“He said it was fine because it wasn’t that good anyway.” Sungjin said, sounding a little bitter. He didn’t know what happened, but he was starting to see a lot of parallels to before and it was starting to scare him.

“You don’t think…”

“It might be getting bad again.” Sungjin said, voicing both of their thoughts. As much as they wanted to believe their maknae was still happy and healing, they knew the all too real possibility that he had reverted back to old habits and thoughts. The doctors warned them that depression isn’t something that just goes away after a few months of therapy. It stays with a person - especially one with a history of self harm - and could return under too much stress or an upsetting situation.

Dowoon might have been getting better, but the chances of him falling down again were high, and that scared his hyungs shitless.

“How do we talk to him about this?”

“Well, we know what didn’t work last time…” Sungjin grimaced, remembering the screaming fit he and the younger boy had gotten into. The leader had confronted him, demanding Dowoon explain the bloodstains on the floor. Dowoon instantly got defensive, insults were screamed and the fight ended with Dowoon slamming the door as he left the dorm. No one saw him for almost twenty seven hours, and Wonpil was seconds away from calling the police when Dowoon came stumbling in, drenched and shaking violently. He never told them what he did when he was gone, and part of the others was afraid to know.

“Let me try.” Jae said, his mind already working a mile a minute. Sungjin nodded and gestured to where Dowoon was sitting with his chin. Jae got up and took a deep breath before opening the door and sitting next to the younger boy.

Dowoon opened his eyes quickly, relaxing a little when he realized it was just Jae that had flopped down onto the couch next to him. He took out one earbud.

“What’s up hyung?” he asked, his voice slow and deep. He was exhausted, but he didn’t want anyone to know. They would just fuss and make him take a nap but he couldn’t sleep. When he slept, all he saw was white hospital walls and nets over dizzying heights and red staining pale skin that was sometimes his and sometimes not - and the second is what scared him the most. He was going to protect his hyungs, even if that meant from himself.

“I’m tired Dowoonie,” Jae said, resting his head on Dowoon’s shoulder. Through the years, the boys learned to find comfort in each other’s warmth - something they felt awkward with at the beginning. “This comeback is… it’s a lot, you know?”

Dowoon hummed in agreement. It wasn’t usual for Jae to come to Dowoon with his problems, but it had happened a handful of times. Usually Jae went to Sungjin, because even though he was younger he was still the leader, but sometimes Jae said he felt guilty talking to the younger boy about little things. Jae said Dowoon was the best listener in the band, and would sometimes go to him to rant about little things that pissed him off. It made Dowoon’s chest warm knowing Jae trusted him.

“I just… sometimes I feel like it’s not worth it, all the work we put into these albums,” Jae said carefully, watching Dowoon’s face. The maknae was looking at his hands, not noticing the set of eyes on him. Dowoon’s lips thinned. “Like, we spent hours and hours and hours trying to make these songs perfect but in the end, it feels like I could have done better.”

“Your songs are amazing hyung, don’t put yourself down.” Dowoon said quickly, hating the tight pain in his chest.

“Are they though? I feel like… like I’m becoming a sell out. I’m just writing what they want to hear, not what I want to say.”

“Make them like what you want to say then,” Dowoon said, resting his cheek on the top of Jae’s head. His hyung was warm, despite being so skinny. “Don’t settle for what they want.”

“Thanks Dowoonie, you always know what to say,” Jae said with a smile that counterdicted the sinking of his stomach. He knew the look on Dowoon’s face all too well. “Hey, let’s go get some lunch. Chris and the kids are usually at the cafe around this time. How does overpriced coffee and sandwiches sound?”

Dowoon knew he should say no. He knew if he said yes, Jae was going to pay and he was going to be a burden on his hyung yet again. Dowoon would be a bother, an annoyance, something Jae would come to regret-

“-Don’t have to if you’re not hungry…” Jae said, looking at the floor. Dowoon missed the first part of the sentence, but he couldn’t stand the look on the older boy’s face.

“No, I’ll go. I just zoned out for a second.” Dowoon said softly. Jae’s face lit up, a smile stretching from ear to ear. Dowoon’s chest hurt at the thought of being a burden, but seeing Jae’s smile was worth it.

Jae talked Dowoon’s ear off as they walked down to the cafe. The maknae didn’t even notice that Jae was texting someone the whole time.

**Jaebird:** Sungjin he’s getting bad again. He has the same look from before and it’s freaking me out

 **Grandpa** : Shit… that’s what I was afraid of

 **Grandpa** : Stay with him. Make sure he eats but don’t try to push it

 **Jaebird** : We’re going to get food at the cafe

 **Jaebird:** Is it too early to do the search again?

 **Grandpa** : Yeah, if we do it now he’ll close himself off again

 **Grandpa** : Just keep an eye on him

 **Jaebird:** Roger that captain

* * *

  
How stupid was he? After so long… something so little triggered him. He was supposed to be better. He was supposed to be okay now.

His drumstick had broke. He had been throwing himself into a little too much, hitting the pads a little too hard, and the stick all but shattered in his hand. He barely felt the piece of wood flying and scraping his bare arm, but he saw the red beading up from the small cut. His chest felt as though a car was parked on top of him and all he could focus on was how the crimson stood out against his tanned skin.

“Oh, Dowoonie! You’re bleeding!” Wonpil’s voice broke through his thoughts. Lithe fingers held a tissue over his arm. Dowoon looked up and realized Jae had made his way over to the drum set in the time he had been staring at the blood.

“Sorry, guess I don’t know my own strength.” Dowoon let out a weak chuckle, but no one laughed with him. Wonpil was looking between the drummer’s face and the red starting to seep through the white tissue, while Younghyun and Sungjin were exchanging concerned looks that weren’t lost on the maknae.

He was making them worry again.

That’s all he ever seemed to do, huh…

“Why don’t we stop for the day?” Sungjin suggested, noticing how blank Dowoon’s eyes looked. “Dowoon, why don’t you and Jae hyung go back first? We can handle clean up and picking up dinner.”

“Okay.” Dowoon whispered, not putting up a fight. Red flags were raised everywhere, but there was nothing they could do.

“Let’s go Dowoonie,” Jae tugged on Dowoon’s hand. The younger boy let himself be pulled from the practice room and towards the dorms. Dowoon followed silently, not responding when Jae tried to start a conversation. “You wanna shower first? There won’t be any hot water if you wait till after the others go.”

“Okay.” Dowoon’s mind was anywhere but in the present. He was so focused on the faint throbbing coming from his arm that everything else seemed to fade away.

He missed the feeling, and if he was able to focus, that would have scared him.

He grabbed some random clothing, not bothering to check to see if it was his. Even if it was another member’s, it was bound to fit him. He turned the shower on and went to hang his towel up when something small and metallic fell from the fabric and clinked against the worn tiles of the bathroom floor.

Dowoon froze.

He reached down and picked up the blade, his hand reaching down as if it was being control by something other than Dowoon. His fingers gently picked up the silver sliver, careful not to cut his hand on the sharp edge.

It really was so pretty, in Dowoon’s opinion. How the cold silver seemed to absorb the heat from his fingers, as if the blade itself was trying to suck the life from his body. His thigh throbbed suddenly, the thick scarring coming alive to beg for the familiar pain that had, at one point, consumed him. His skin sang for the blade, harmonized for the release that would wash over him after the pain passed.

Dowoon knew he shouldn’t. He knew it was a dangerous game, a ledge that he was dancing on. He was speeding down the road as it poured. Would he make it home safe? Or would his tires skid over the soaked pavement and send him crashing into the trees?

He hissed.

He didn’t even realize his hands were moving on their own until the beautiful crimson started running down his leg.

He relapsed, after almost two years. Two years since his attempt. Since the last time he tried to hurt himself. Two years since he gave in, all down the drain.

All the effort his hyungs put into helping Dowoon get better, wasted. All the nights they spent up, comforting him as he cried, thrown away. All the times they cried because of him, garbage.

Dowoon flushed all of his hyung’s attempts to save him down the toilet along with the bloody tissues, erasing the evidence.

He showered quickly, hating how much he had missed the sting of the water against his leg. His hands still remembered how to bandage the wound, as if he never stopped doing it. Within minutes, there was no evidence left. Dowoon used the medical tape and hid the blade on the underside of the cabinet, where only he would be able to find it. He couldn’t hide it above the mirror anymore - that’s where he used to hide his shame and that’s where Younghyun had found it the first time.

Dowoon slipped from the bathroom, feeling calm and light for the first time in weeks.

* * *

  
Jae knew something was wrong, but he was afraid to say something. If his hunch was right, he might be able to stop something really bad from happening. If he was wrong… his accusation could snowball into the one thing he was trying to prevent.

It was suspicious, how Dowoon would go into the shower with a scowl and leave with a relaxed brow, but that could be anything.

For the first time in his life, Jae prayed his friend was just jerking off in the shower.

The alternative was much worse.

Jae was stuck. He was so afraid of making things worse. The images of Dowoon, pale and struggling to take a breath still haunt him. His Dowoonie - his baby maknae - still in a hospital bed, with wires and tubes coming from his prone form and sterile white bandages covering his body as they cried and begged for him to wake up. The images still haunted him,sending him bolt upright in the middle of the night. He was glad they all had their own rooms in the new dorm. Otherwise his nightmares would have woken up the others time and time again.

“Is everything alright hyung?” Wonpil sat next to Jae, who hadn’t heard the younger come in.

“Yeah,” he said, rubbing his eyes. His contacts were starting to burn, but he didn’t want to get up. “Just tired.”

“Same…” the pianist trailed off and rested his head on Jae’s shoulder. The older boy shifted to wrap his arm around his friend.

Jae felt warmth soaking into his thin shirt but didn’t look down. He didn’t have to.

Neither of them had to say what they were tired from. They knew.

Jae let Wonpil cry into his shoulder until the dorm door opened. Wonpil froze when he heard Dowoon shout a greeting to the dorm before making a beeline for the bathroom. Wonpil sniffled.

“I’m worried hyung.” His voice was soft but rough, evidence of long nights of singing without breaks.

“Me too Pillie,” Jae held his friend a little tighter. “Me too.”

* * *

  
Dowoon frowned. He didn’t want his hyungs to worry about him. He heard Wonpil and Jae talking as he turned on the shower and his stomach dropped. His leg was stinging, but the feeling of disappointment in his chest overpowered it.

He was making his hyungs worry about him again. The one thing he wanted to avoid was happening and he didn’t even realize it.

As he showered, he made a list in his head. It was a set of rules for himself. He turned off the shower and dried off, repeating the list. He got dressed and went to reheat his dinner as he repeated the list.

Dowoon continued to repeat the list as he fell asleep, promising himself and his hyungs that he would be better.

_One -Don’t frown around the others_

_Two- Eat when they’re watching_

_Three- Don’t let them think something is wrong_

_Four- Make them happy, no matter what_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm working real hard to get these updates out but I've been such a scatter brain recently so it's been rough writing. In more fun news, I got to see Amber Lui in NYC and it was amazing!! Amber and Justin Park were so crazy good live and I highly recommend looking into them if you don't know how talented they are!


	4. Chapter 4

“Woah, take it easy there,” Jae said, watching Dowoon shovel his breakfast into his mouth as if he could never eat again with mild horror. “You’re gonna make yourself sick.”

“Sorry.” Dowoon slowed down, taking his time to chew his food.

It was crazy, how something as easy as eating could make it seem like everything was okay. The second Dowoon let himself to seconds at dinner, he could sense the tension in the air disappear completely. It was as if they were basing his mental health on his physical health, so seeing him eat like a growing boy again stopped their worrying.

Dowoon ate until he thought he was going to be sick before excusing himself. His members smiled at him, and Sungjin told him not to worry about the dishes - that one of them would handle it for him.

“I’m going to shower real fast before my lessons.” He said innocently, the twinge of guilt barely phasing him anymore. He was too used to the little white lies.

He quickly left the room, leaving behind four sets of uneasy eyes.

“Something’s going on with him,” Sungjin said the second the youngest was out of the room. “He’s hiding something from us.”

“We don’t have any proof through,” Younghyun played with the spoon in his coffee mug. “We can’t just accuse him of something that we can’t prove. If we’re wrong, he’ll close himself off even more.”

“What can we do?” Wonpil bit his lip.

“Keep an eye on him and pray things don’t get bad again.” Jae whispered, frowning.

Dowoon sighed and turned on the shower. That was the problem with the kitchen being right next to the bathroom. He could hear every word his hyungs said about him. He was failing them by making them worry.

With the water running and the mirror starting to fog up, he fell to his knees in front of the toilet. He didn’t even have to try that hard anymore. The food he shoveled down minutes before came up easily, splattering the white porcelain with chunks.

His throat stung, but in a familiar way. His eyes watered, but it comforted him. He didn’t think he necessarily needed to lose weight, but between the self loathing and the extra meals he’s been forcing himself to eat to comfort the others the food seemed to slip past his lips with more and more ease.

Dowoon grimaced and rinsed his mouth out before stepping into the shower. The boiling water was another comfort. The cuts on his leg were mostly healed, the scabbing already fading and no longer sore. His mind begged him to reopen his skin and let his emotions run free again, but something stopped him.

When the water started to run cold, he knew his time was up. He turned off the shower and dried off, changing quickly and slipping from the bathroom. The others had left the kitchen, and there were the sounds of muttering coming from one of the bedrooms. Dowoon snuck out of the dorm and headed towards the company building, where his teacher was waiting for him.

“Ah, Dowoon! I thought you had forgotten!” Minnie said with a smile. Dowoon liked Minnie. She was a middle aged woman from Japan that used to play drums for a metal band. She came to Korea after her band broke up and started giving drumming lessons to idols like him.

“Sorry I’m late noona,” He said softly, putting his bag down. “I lost track of time.”

“Hey, it’s alright,” She grinned. That was one thing Dowoon likes about her so much. She was laid back and calm with everything. He had never seen her raise her voice at anyone, even when another trainee angrily threw a drumstick at her face. “Are you eating properly?”

“Of course noona.” he sat at the drumset and took out his sticks, testing the set gently. He started playing a soft beat - something he made up when he was messing around.

“Don’t lie to me Woon-ah,” She said going over to her laptop. She brought up a beat and gave him some warm up practices to do. “I can see how thin you’re getting. You used to have such cute cheeks.”

“Guess it’s stress.” He smiled innocently and rubbed the back of his neck.

“You need to make sure you’re eating and taking care of yourself,” She corrected how he was holding the drumstick and let him continue. “Your fans look up to you. They’re going to worry if they see your health declining.”

“Ah, you’re right noona.” He said, dread building in the pit of his stomach. He didn’t want to disappoint his fans.

“Focus Dowoon, you’re getting sloppy on the down beat.”

* * *

  
Dowoon thought he was going to explode. Nothing particularly bad had happened, but everything that could have gone wrong did, and Dowoon was on the verge of sobbing in the middle of the kitchen.

It started that morning. His phone went off three minutes before his alarm, and when he answered it was a telemarketer. How they got his number, he didn’t know, but they called back seven times before he even made it to lunch. He tried to take a shower before breakfast, but there was a problem with the pipes and instead of a stream of hot water, there was a trickle running from the showerhead.

When he tried to get some milk for his tea, he dropped the carton just as he opened the lid. To his horror, chunky white liquid spilled into his slippers and all over his pants. The smell of curdled milk instantly made his stomach revolt and he gagged into the sink.

“Shit, are you okay?” Jae rushed in, seeing the maknae hunched over the sink. His instantly wrinkled his nose at the smell and grimaced. “Why don’t you stay home today? We were just going to go over lyrics, and we’re worried you might be getting… sick. I can clean this up if you want to get changed.” He didn’t mean to hesitate, but thankfully

Dowoon didn’t catch on.

Dowoon straightened and nodded before rushing from the kitchen. At least something was going right.

He carried his ruined slippers and pants into the kitchen, where he shoved them in the trash. Any other day he might have tried watching the stench out but that morning he wasn’t having any of it. He tied off the trash bag and carried it out to the dumpster out back the dorm, but just as he was about to toss it in, the plastic ripped and the contents of the bag spilled down his arm. He yelled in frustration and kicked the dumpster, which didn’t relieve any of his anger. All it did was possibly break his toe. He threw the garbage into the dumpster and stormed back inside. He wanted a shower and a nap, but as soon as he got back to the dorm he could hear someone with a drill - probably fixing the pipes.

Dowoon closed his eyes and took a deep breath, then another, before nodding and going to get dressed. If he wasn’t going to get any peace at the dorms, he’d just go somewhere else.

Bad idea. The cafe was packed. There wasn’t a single open seat and there were people standing around drinking their overpriced coffees. Dowoon’s skin instantly began to crawl at how little room there was, but made his way to the counter nonetheless. He went all the way there, he might as well get a drink.

They were out of the flavoring he normally got, but he bit back his frustration because it wasn’t the poor, frazzled barista’s fault. He ordered his second favorite and went to wait. It took almost twenty minutes and Dowoon felt the back of his throat sting by the time he finally heard his name called. He grabbed his drink without checking to see if it was right and bolted from the cafe. He could just put his headphones and rest in his room. Halfway back to the dorm he took a sip and almost spit it out. Checking the label, he saw it was the complete wrong order.

He bit his lip hard enough to draw blood but kept walking. There was no point in going back. By the time he made it home, his hands were shaking in frustration and his eyes were burning from unshed tears. He slammed the door just a little too hard and one of the pictures on the wall fell, the glass shattering against the wood floor.

Dowoon left the glass there as he turned on his heel and immediately left the dorm again. Making a beeline to the gym, he didn’t anticipate it being crowded, which he should have seeing how it was the middle of the day. When he normally went, it was in the middle of the night so he never had to worry about running into anyone.

“Hyung! You don’t look so good… are you okay?” Bang Chan asked as soon as Dowoon walked over to the punching bag. The younger idol had obviously been working out for a while, his face flushed and a layer of sweat shining on his skin.

“Just frustrated.” he grunted back, giving the bag a few test hits.

“You should wrap your hands if you’re not going to wear gloves.” Chan scolded lightly. Despite being younger, his leader instincts were still strong.

“It’s fine.” he said, taking a deep breath so he didn’t snap at the kid.

“Your hands are already bruised hyung,” Chan said, frowning. Dowoon felt the urge to run away but his feet were rooted to the spot. “Do your members know you’ve been doing this to yourself?”

“It’s not a big deal,” Dowoon felt cornered. “You shouldn’t be worrying about me.”

“I’m going to call Jae hyung-”

“Don’t you dare.” Dowoon growled, startling both Chan and himself.

“But-” Chan looked torn - he wanted to listen to his hyung, but he was also obligated to take care of his friends.

“Don’t fuckin call Jae, okay? I’m fine. I don’t need him and I don’t need you poking your nose in my business!” He accented the last work by throwing a punch at the bag. His knuckles screamed at the action but he turned and left the gym before he could see what damage he caused.

He threw the door of the dorm open angrily, his face red from the effort to not scream or sob. The first thing he noticed was that the light was on, which meant someone was home. That was the last thing he wanted to deal with. He made a beeline for his room, where he grabbed clean clothes and tried to head to the bathroom, but was blocked by a lanky arm.

“I got an interesting message from Bang Chan,” Jae said, watching Dowoon’s face closely for a reaction. The maknae’s expression stayed stoney. “He said you yelled at him at the gym. I thought you were going to stay home today.”

“Needed to get out.” He said gruffly, trying to push past the other boy, who firmly held his ground.

“Dowoon, we need to talk. This is getting out of hand,” Jae said, sounding serious. Dowoon felt something in his chest snap.

“Get out of my way.” He snapped, not caring about being polite anymore. He needed to release this frustration somehow, and the only solution was taped up under the sink.

“No.” Jae narrowed his eyes. Dowoon tried pushing past again, roughly knocking into Jae with his shoulder. The elder tried reaching out to catch his arm, but Dowoon reacted without thinking. He lashed out, his throbbing hand soaring through the air until it came in contact with something soft and warm. Jae crumpled to the ground and Dowoon stared at him, his anger fading to horror.

Before Jae could even see clearly again, Dowoon was gone. The front door was wide open and the youngest was gone.

* * *

  
“It doesn’t look broken,” Sungjin said, followed by a soft apology as he poked at Jae’s nose. The others had come in moments later, stunned at why Dowoon was running away from the dorm like a bat out of hell, only to see Jae sitting on the floor with blood gushing from his nose and a shocked looked on his face. “It’s going to bruise like a bitch though.”

“What happened?” Wonpil asked, looking pale. He never did well with blood, not even his own.

“I came home early to check on Dowoon. I found a picture frame broken on the ground and cleaned it up.I got a text from Chan saying Dowoon yelled and cursed at him at the gym... He came home looking pissed so I tried talking to him about what happened because- because our Dowoonie doesn’t yell at people. He doesn’t get mad at others… he got mad at me though. He tried to push past me but when I stopped him he just wailed on me. I don’t think he even realized he did it until after cuz he looked shocked before running away.” Jae took the ice pack Younghyun offered him with a nod and winced as he placed it on his nose.

“This has to stop,” Sungjin said bluntly. “We tried to be subtle and wait for him to come to us but this is too much.”

“What are we going to do? We don’t even know where he is.” Younghyun said, a frown twisting his mouth.

“I have an idea,” jae say, his words muffled from the ice pack. “I’ll go check and if he isn’t there, then we can stage a full out search party.”

“I’m going with you.” Sungjin said, already standing.

“Sorry chief, but I’m going to pull the hyung card on this one,” Jae said, shocking everyone. He was normally the calm one, and was more than willing to let Sungjin handle everything. He almost never pulled rank on his leader. “Give me an hour, okay? I’ll text you if I find him.”

“...fine. But you have exactly sixty minutes before we’re out the door.” Sungjin pursed his lips unhappily. Jae grinned but winced when the movement pulled his nose the wrong way.

Jae put the ice pack on the table and saluted his friends before grabbing his phone and running from the dorm. There was one place he was sure Dowoon was going to be, and

if he wasn’t there… things were about to get much more complicated.

* * *

  
“I knew I’d find you here.” Jae said as he moved to sit next to Dowoon. He found the maknae right where he thought he would, sitting on the roof of the dorm building, looking over the city as the sun set. Dowoon jumped at the sound of Jae’s voice, scrambling away.

“Hyung!” His eyes widened before looking down. Jae could see how red they were and felt his chest tightened. His maknae had been crying. “Why are- why are you here?”

“We’re worried about you,” Jae could see how Dowoon was trying to move away and hunch his shoulders to make himself look smaller. “After what happened last time, Sungjin was about to get all of Korea in on a man hunt.”

“I’m sorry hyung.” Dowoon whispered, his voice wavering.

“It’s alright. Next time just let us know where you’re going-”

“For everything,” tears ran down his once round cheeks. “For h-hitting you and- oh god I hit you… I’m so sorry I panicked and I was just so- so FRUSTRATED and so MAD and- fuck hyung I’m so s-sorry…”

“I’m not mad at you Dowoonie, I promise,” Jae really wasn’t. It was hard to be made at the drummer for anything. “I’m just worried.”

“I’m sorry for worrying you too,” He sniffled before pulling his knees up to his chest and hiding his face Jae could see him trying to hold back sobs and felt his own eyes tear up. “I’m sorry… things got bad again but I didn’t want to tell anyone… I didn’t want to be a burden again. I thought if I held it in long enough, I would be better and it wouldn’t be a problem anymore but nothing got better hyung… nothing get better! Things just kept getting worse and worse and I feel like I’m drowning all the time and I’m afraid to talk to anyone at this point because I’ve been trying to hard to hide it… i don’t want anyone to be mad at me for lying to them so I kept hiding it but it just kept building and building. I relapsed after so long of being strong and I felt so weak and pathetic that I just kept doing it because I deserve it and it’s getting so bad and I’m so fucking scared hyung I don’t- I don’t know what to do-”

“Dowoon-” Jae pulled the younger boy into his chest as he sobbed. Jae’s arms fit around Dowoon’s shoulders perfectly and the drummer curled into his hyung’s warmth. He cried into Jae’s shirt, unable to care that he was soaking it with tears and snot and spit. He sobbed for all the times he held it in. For all the times he bit his knuckle in the shower so the others wouldn’t hear him. For all the times he hold himself they wouldn’t care.

“It’s going to be okay,” Jae whispered, holding him tight as if he was afraid the younger would disappear. “Hyung’s got you Dowoon. I’m not letting go of you any time soon. You’re going to be alright baby. It’s okay to cry, you’re going to be alright.”

By the time Dowoon started to calm down, Jae realized his hour was almost up. He sent a quick text to Sungjin that they were on their way and to make sure they didn’t crowd the youngest, and pulled Dowoon away from his chest so he could look the younger in the eyes.

“Let’s go back, yeah?” He said softly, wiping the tears from Dowoon’s face gently. “The others are worried, and you must be exhausted. Hyung’ll make you some tea, okay?”

“Okay…” He mumbled, his eyes burning and his head throbbing painfully. His body protested when he stood up, sore from sitting in one position for so long. He clung to Jae’s arm, as if the elder would leave him behind if he didn’t. The walk back down to the dorm was quiet, and Jae hoped Sungjin told the others not to overwhelm Dowoon when they got there. He unlocked the door with his free hand and ushered the sniffling boy against his side into the warmth of the dorm.

“Come on Dowoonie, hyung promised you tea.” Jae prompted, pulling Dowoon to the kitchen. Jae felt his lips turn up the slightest bit when he saw Younghyun and Wonpil sitting on the couch facing the television - that wasn’t on - and Sungjin at the kitchen reading the paper - which was a crossword that had already been finished.

“Ah, Dowoon,” Sungjin said with obviously forced nonchalance. Dowoon grimaced and tried to hide behind Jae’s back. “You hungry? We were going to order something for dinner.”

“Uh, sounds good,” Dowoon’s voice was still strained and rough from crying. “Anything’s fine.”

“Alright, I’ll make the call now.” Sungjin stood and went into the other room, followed by Younghyun and Wonpil. As Jae moved around the kitchen, he could see the younger members hovering just outside of the kitchen as silently as possible. He placed the mug in front of Dowoon, who instantly held it. Jae could see the boy’s shoulders relax as the warmth of the tea soaked into his hands. Before sitting down, Jae threw back some painkillers carefully, so Dowoon wouldn't see.

“I know you guys are there.” Dowoon said after a few minutes of silence. There was a thud, followed by some whispered curses before Younghyun and Wonpil stepped into the kitchen with matching sheepish looks.

“Sorry we-”

“It’s fine,” Dowoon said with a faint smile. “I know you’re worried… I have a lot of explaining to do, don’t I?”

“Only when you’re ready.” Jae said instantly, not wanting to push Dowoon too far too soon.

“But I hope you’re ready soon because this is something we need to talk about tonight,” Sungjin said as he came back into the crowded kitchen. “We don’t want to force you or anything but… we need to help you Dowoon. We can’t sit back and let things get any worse.”

“I know hyung… and I’m sorry for worrying everyone,” Dowoon ran his finger along the rim of the mug. “I guess I was just… scared?”

“How about we wait until after dinner to talk about everything?” Jae suggested. The look of relief on Dowoon’s face broke his heart. “It’s going to be a long night… let’s watch something while we wait, yeah?”

“Sounds good to me.” Younghyun said, already walking to the living room. The others followed and sat in their respective seats - Jae, Dowoon and Younghyun on the couch, Sungjin on the recliner and Wonpil on the floor with his back against whoever’s legs he wanted. The show started with the same catchy jingle from every season.  
Jae reached over and wrapped his arms around Dowoon without taking his eyes off the screen. The drummer looked up at Jae questioningly, and the elder just smiled down at him before turning his attention back to the show.

In a little bit, Dowoon was going to have to do a lot of talking. To his members, and to his managers and a therapist again too. He was going to cry, and the others were probably going to cry with him. He was going to hurt and want to relapse and feel down again, but Dowoon felt that maybe it wasn’t so bad after all.

He felt this before, after his first attempt. He thought he was crazy for letting himself get better, but he did anyway. Just because he stumbled doesn’t mean he’s a lost cause. He had his hyungs and his fans to support him.

Dowoon let himself lean into Jae’s side. He could feel Jae tightening his arms around the younger’s waist and smiled.

Yeah, things got bad again but that didn’t mean things couldn’t get better again too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did it! A month later and I finally got the last chapter written! 
> 
> I have a bit of explaining myself to do I guess. So if you've read my other ANs, you'll know I had a major surgery back in October. I thought I was all good now, seeing how it's been a hot minute since then but I was Boo Boo the fuckin fool. Turns out, the first two months were fine, but now for the next year (give or take) my cramps are going to be horrific and my hormones are going to be the worst they've ever been because my body is trying to balance the fact I'm missing a whole ovary. This means that around my period each month, my depression is most likely going to spike like it did this month which is scary to think about because I haven't been so depressed or suicidal since high school. I guess I just have to survive this eleven more times and things will be back to normal? Anyway, it's a shitty excuse but because of this I've had a hard time finding motivation to write and might lose motivation in the future which means my uploading is going to all over the damn place for a while.
> 
> TL:DR- my body hates me and is making me depressed cuz of hormones so uploading is gonna be wack for a bit.
> 
> Thank you everyone for reading and supporting this fic! MyDays really are the sweetest fandom I've ever had the honor to be a part of. The people I've met are just as amazing as the boys themselves.

**Author's Note:**

> It's pretty rare for me to write something with no scene breaks, but I guess it's a blue moon because this whole chapter is one scene! The next two chapters will be broken up a little more, so it hopefully won't drag on! 
> 
> Also, can I just mention how much I love Sungjin? That asshole makes the funniest faces and I swear to god when I went to their concert I couldn't focus on Jae (My ult of all ults) because Sungjin was having too much fun mouthing along with Young K's lines??? I love his bitchass so much please appreciate this man and his expressions and his voice and his leadership thanks for coming to my ted talk
> 
> Side note, this was going to be a platonic dowoon/everyone type fic, but if anyone has a specific ship they want let me know! Or if you want it to stay platonic, also let me know! Your feedback is very important to the plot of my fics


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